I used to be

Nothing was ever a problem
Who I was, was never questioned
But now I'm older and troubled
I'm bordering the edge of the cliff
And to all of you I'm okay
But all I do is say..

I use to be that happy person
The one you always talked to
Never too quiet and never too troubled
Nothing could stop this life
But that was before and now it's different
I've grown into my own imperfections

I use to be that dainty one
That cheerful person
Nothing too mysterious about me

I use to be someone else
But one day that changed
I'm me now
That one you hate and never see
But all I can say is...
I use to be...

Letting Go

I don’t want to think about
It’s just time to let go
Time to lose the grip
That I grasped so long ago

Lift this boulder off me
Don’t really know what to do
It’s just time to let go
To the past I know

No more hiding
No more walls
It’s just time to let go
Time to take a breathe
And just let go

Let go of everything inside me
Everything holding me back
Let’s not play pretend
You know just what to do

It’s the weight on my shoulders
Telling me to keep lying
Pretending it’s ok
Just like there’s nothing I can do
It’s just time to let go
Cut the ropes
Lose the grasp
Taking the risk

And now I’m letting it all go
Go somewhere I can’t see
Somewhere I can’t pretend
I’m letting it all go and this is me

Locked Away

My mind’s been locked up
In a solitary confinement of my own
My words have blown away
By a force I never could control

Now there’s nothing left for me to say
I’ve wore all the right words out
Until they were emptier than my soul

The damage is unbelievable
I let myself go off
Like a bomb in the desert
No fear of who may go away

I have no way to fix this
No way to have this undone
Lost myself along somewhere
Pushed and pushed you
Until you finally went away

I sacrificed my entire life
Just to let this monster rule me
Never noticed what was going on
Until I turned around and you were gone

Grenade

I never noticed the way
Everyone tiptoed around me
I was a grenade in hiding
With no clip included

Locked myself away
For hours and hours
Days and days
Glaring at the same four walls

Sunlight was the enemy
And laughter added strife
I liked the cold, dark complexity
That was similar to my life

When everyone disappeared
I was too busy just lying here
Lost inside my own brain
Drowning in a flood of thoughts

I’ve been every kind of person
Afraid of knives, blood and pain
Tried to starve myself a few times
Just refuse the food until you drain

My anger ricocheted off the walls
Echoing through the house
Filling up the halls
It was just a typical day for me

I rarely stepped outside you see
Never wanting the sunlight
To have the chance at finding me

I can still feel your hands
Gripping tightly around my throat
Trying to choke the life out of me
Long after it had already broke

There are a few nights from long ago
That I know I’ll never remember
Exactly what occurred that day
That made me have to go

These thoughts make my blood boil
My hands tense up in fear and anger
Nervous vibrations shoot through me
The lasting words on my tongue curl in angst

This beast that lives inside me
Has damaged all that’s left behind
Yet I still can’t remember
What I said those days

The day when you decided
I just wasn’t good enough
And though I knew I never was
I tried to be everyone to you

I lost myself somewhere along the way
In a cold, dark path filled with shame
Hidden in a blanketed past
I tried so hard to be your last

Today I refuse to let the tears reign
Since I know that deep down
I’ll never be the same

I was a monster lost inside myself
Inside my head, somewhere in constant pain
The claustrophobic place constantly filled with rain
And yet at first you stayed by me

No matter how much pushing
How harsh the words may have been
When the grenade went off
You stood there, right by me

When it’s time to open the curtains
To clear away the rain inside me
Release the beast that’s devoured my soul
You’re nowhere to be found this time

All because I didn’t choose my words carefully
I didn’t bite my tongue like needed
When it came time for the grenade release again
You were standing right beside it

I pushed and pushed for so long
Trying to make you go away from me
To show you that you deserved more
Than anything you could find with me

The closer you got to leaving
My body began to break down
Until the day I finally saw it myself
An empty space where you once stood

It came so late
Too late to salvage anything
Too late to mend what I had broken
I let the grenade go right at you

Sacrificing everything we had
To let this beast feed on satisfaction
Of knowing it had locked me up
From everything I had loved

Waiting

Everybody's waiting
To see how hard I fall
And everybody's watching
Thinking they know it all

But I can't
And I won't
Be that person anymore
I Put myself last
Far too damn long

Doesn't matter who's watching
I'll never let you see me fall

Something to say

I got so much to say
So much to do
Got so many people
that need a new attitude

I got something to say
To so many people
got places to be
So much I need to see

And I won't bow down
To such little evil
I'm not sure why
I even cry now

I got so much more pain
some hearts to break
Got some stitching to do
with my own heart ache

I got so many bills
Not even sure what to say
But that's alright
Cause I'm still doing ok

How Did We Get Here

How did we get here
We’ve been stuck in the same place
For too many long years

Maybe we’re a broken record
No one wants to displace
But how did we get here
In such a miserable place

I’m running on empty
I don’t know what has happened
But I think we’ve both parted
Here is not the same place
Where we once were closer

How did we get here
So far from each other
But no one wants to admit
That maybe it’s all over

Undone

It’s so easy to say I’ve come undone
I can tell you always bite your tongue
This isn’t what I asked for
It’s not the kind of game I play

When I start to lose it
You feel the wrath
Like a volcanic explosion
I never know how long it’ll last

Everything’s always rushing
Speeding through my head
I can’t win this race inside
And I know you’re close to giving up

My world’s coming undone
Unraveling every string in me
And I’m trying so hard
Just to make sense of it

Washed Your Blood Away

I washed your blood away
And it flowed from my veins
I threw your dreams away
But you had no passion at all
I gave it all up to you
So you stepped right onto me

Yeah, yeah, yeah
I wanna cut your veins
And wash you right down that drain
I'm gonna kill all the symbolic things
That makes you think that you got me

Oh no, no, no
I really don't think so
I'm going to be that sacrifi cial bitch
That you gave your hate to
And I really don't think so
I wont play your hide and seek no more

Tears in my eyes
Scars on my skin
No one will know
Just where I've been
Red in my cheeks
Knife in my hands
Pulling out my hair
Frown continues on
No one seems to notice
Cracks in my heart
Tissues on my lap
No one's going to notice
The day I fall apart
Cut these gashes
Scars within
Bruises fainted
Where do I begin
Bloody bashes
And a sharp ass passion.

**Unfinished**

I follow you around
Like you're just a simple dream
I think about the bad things
And everything that I don't see
And when it falls to the ground
I'll be that one, who won't stay around

I'm going to push you down
I'm going to slam it to the walls
And let it bleed out oh baby

Never Used You

You never seem to get the fact
That I'm not quite like that
And I hope you see the beauty in me
Realize I never made you one of two
I never had a simple need to use you

I had so much faith
I had so much love
That it's all falling apart
Now that I've lost you
What is it I should do

I can't seem to understand
Everything's out of my hands
And I hope you see
I had so much love for you
Don't ever walk away again

If you choose to come back
I'm not sure I could take this
Not a round two of breaking apart

Expect of me

I've hear the rumors
That you say behind me
You think it's a whisper
But I hear you blindly
Acting like you're invincible
You think you're so damn cool
Just like we're still in high school

I really hate to tell you but
I know what they expect of me
It's not a whole lot,
With absolutely no sympathy
Will I fall at on my face like I did before
I know everyone expects me to
And come right back to your door

But I know, I know, and I know
What they expect of me
Isn't quite what you're out to see
I know your lengths
And I know my strengths
You're still that that petty boy from before

Not a whole lot was expected of me
But to fall
at on my face
With absolutely no sympathy
Come back to your door
Just like before
But I'm not waiting on your call
Not anymore

When the truth falls out of my mouth
You're not so erce and invincible anymore
When the reality hits you head on
Why is it you try to come back to me

"Oh I made a mistake and I'm sorry"
I don't want to hear the shit anymore
I made a mistake too and it was about liking you
So I'm sorry too

But I know, I know, and I know
What they expect of me
Isn't quite what you're out to see
I know your lengths
And I know my strengths
You're still that that petty boy from before

I know what they expect of me
It's just to fall flat on the floor
To all the little rumors that everyone's heard
The whispers were quiet and distant
But not anymore

I'm never going to let anyone tell me
That I'm some kind of dumb whore
Yeah that's what always seems to go for you
But I was the smarter one who left your ass at the door
I'm not waiting on you to call anymore

And I'm taking you right up to the door
Just to throw all the truth in your face
So you'll see it won't go on anymore

You Really Had To Do This

You really had to do this
You really had to lie
Really had to break me
Just to make me want to die

You just had to say those words
And had to touch me that way
Had to make me feel the things
That I was always afraid to say

You really had to use me
You really had to lie
Just to see the tears fall
From just another guy

You really couldn't be real
It had to be a game inside
Really had to damage me
More than what was ne

And I'm aware I'll never be okay
I know I'm not quite sane at all
But you really had to make me feel this way
When all you wanted was to play

And one day I hope you know
Just how many tears streamed my cheeks
The ones that felt so cold
That made me want to let go

You really need to know your place
And get the truth of all these lies
I really fell in love this time
Just to hurt me once again

And I know you never thought twice
When you lied and said she was gone
And I know you never felt emotion
When you knew I found it out

It wasn't anything big to you
Just another ho
I was just another face
Someone you didn't really know

And now I have these titles
Ones your friends have made me earn
Yet none of them seem to know me
So in the end you're going to burn

You never really thought about me
It was only what made you feel good
Nothing made you feel guilty
Even though you made me want to die

You took that last piece of hope I had
And threw it down the drain
With every little ounce of sympathy
I'll always know it wasn't me

And when she thinks she's won you
I hope she realizes that you've all lost
Because in this screwed up world of games
There's no evening the score, only the creation of more lies

And someday I hope you see
That I'm the best thing you ever had
And that I'm the only one who never played
That stupid little game of yours

When she hurts you don't come to me
Because I'm stronger than that
I loved you more than you deserved
And I wanted to hold onto you forever

You really had to do this
You really had to lie
Really had to break me
Just to make me want to die

One day I'll see you and smile in your face
Just to let you know I won this stupid little race
And I'll be okay someday
When the world goes on pause...

From this day on I know I'll be numb
And I'll cry on sight of your pictures
Every little touch will race through my mind
And I'll keep thinking someday I'll be ne

I threw it all away because I thought knew you
But I had far more hope for you than what you are
And you turned out to be exactly what they said
No one lied to me in the end but you

It wasn't you who got hurt
Never was you who cried
Nothing ever made you think twice
Nothing made you want to hide

But everything made me want to die
And everything makes me want out of this life
I want to erase this game of lies
And hope that someday I'll be me

My skin will be bare
And everyone will see my scars
I won't deny it happened
I'll just say it's a bunch of lies

And when you pass me and you smile
I'll know that inside you regret it
Because you'll never have a girl like me
Who cared so much, she didn't care that it didn't come free

When the pale in my face overtakes me
And the red in my cheeks are cold and teary
I'll keep repeating to myself that I'll be okay
Someday, somewhere, I will be okay

You really had to do this
You really had to lie
Really had to break me
Just to make me want to die

Lie beside me

You always said you'd be the one
To make me happy
Always said you told the truth
But I'm not so sure of that&.

Wake me up when this tragedy ends
When the world stops turning
And the losers stop winning
Trash all the particles of every memory

Wake me up when the tears stop flowing
When the pain stops aching
And my heart is glowing
Just tell me you understand this mess

Hold me closely
Hold me tightly
Keep me from falling
I'm not landing lightly

I need to know I'm the only one
To make you happy
Can't seem to gure out
Why you're hiding

Wake me up when my eyes are clear
When you're ready to be lying here
And the last thing I see at night
Is you saying you're happy

Hold me closely
Hold me tightly
Keep me from falling
I'm not landing lightly

Hide the Pain

Can't seem to hide my pain
It's sort of frightening
I know I can't win you back
But it's still worth trying
And every time you hold her close
Think of me crying like lightening
When she pushes you away
Don't come back to nd me
I'm not going to clean up this mess
It's not that right for me
Every time she hits your face
Think of the times I touched it

Deny

It must be so hard
To be so damn fake
To hold so many lies
In your trusted fate

When you pass me
You act like it was nothing at all

But I know, I know, I know

Chorus:

It'll dig into you
Just like it got to me too
And no matter how many times you lie
You really know you can't deny
The times we had
In the days we got lost
The moments I disappeared into you

You really must be afraid
To even admit it at all
Everyone knows your every move
And you're afraid to see what's real

Tell me when I pass you
Is it like it was nothing at all
Did it mean that little
And do you deny me that much

But I know, I know, I know

Repeat Chorus:

It'll dig into you
Just like it got to me too
And no matter how many times you lie
You really know you can't deny
The times we had
In the days we got lost
The moments I disappeared into you

You can lie to your everyday
But your ill-fated faith will eat you alive
And all your denies will meet all the lies
That you fed to me about you

Just because you were afraid to see it
The fact that I loved you
But you could have never loved me

But I know, I know, I know
You'll never win with me

Transparent

Am I really so transparent
That you can't even see me standing here
Is it really that easy to forget about
The fact I've been in front of you for years

Am I really so transparent
That you could never care about how I felt
Do you honestly believe it never messed me up
All the times you lied and you hit, I won't forget it

Am I really so transparent
That if I left, you'd never even notice
Would you even notice anything diff erent
I'm tired of the same shit every day

Am I really so transparent
That you could never be proud of me,
For just one single moment
Is it really that hard for you to see I'm here

Am I really so transparent
That it's basically an only child show
And I'm not that only child
I was forgotten and left on my own

Because apparently, I'm that transparent
Where none of my feelings were ever accounted for
You expected me to do what you wanted
And you expected me to always be here

But without hesitation,
I decide to not be transparent
And if you choose to not care,
It's not going to be on my conscience anymore

I may be so transparent
That you could never see my accomplishments
But I know that I've already done more
Than you all have your entire life

And in that time, I never used people
I saw everyone in my life,
They were not transparent
I know who had what impact on what part of my life

But am I really that transparent
That you forgot you had another child
It's not a spurt of jealousy
It's the trashed feelings inside

Because apparently I'm that transparent
And I never really mattered much
Except for the days you yelled at me
Or the days you said you wanted me dead

I existed quite a bit those days
You know the days when the anger came out on me
And no one else cared because at least it wasn't on them
So I'll live my life wondering so many things in my life

Am I really so transparent,
That not a damn soul could ever love me
Would it really be that hard in life
For someone to notice that I'm somebody...at least to me.

**Incomplete**

When I was younger
I never saw the truth
But now that I'm older
I know it never meant too much...
To you...

And I see this place inside me
This hole that I can not mend
This empty lie that I can't hide anymore&

I can't hold back
I gotta keep moving on
Singing my song
Keep back the lie
That I hold on to
To keep this from falling apart

And it's sad I know
I have to hold the key
To hold this world together for me
And I wish it wasn't all on me
I wish it wasn't up to what I seen

I can't keep lying
I can't keep faking
I'm falling to pieces
Look at what you're taking
...from me...

It's the same pattern every single day
Deny every little thing that you ever had to say
I really wish it wasn't up to me
To hide back all the reality of everything you did today

This is my letter

I guess everything has a meaning
Everything has its own reason
But I really need some help sometimes
To understand why it is I cry

Yet every night when I lie in bed
These thoughts go rushing through my head
And the cold, dark tears freeze over my skin
But I can't seem to understand why I'm at this point

And this is my letter to the world out there
To let you all know I've faked everyday
And that this is my sincere apology
To those I never treated right

And this right here is my letter
To my dearest family who broke my heart
I can't keep it all together
Because it's now ripping me apart

And every night I cry to sleep
All I ever wanted was a break
Someone else to take my place
Keep it together just one day for me

And this is my letter asking for an answer
I need to know why I can't trust
Or who I really am
I really need to know these things

And this is my letter to my childhood
I do wish I could have lived you
You seem to haunt me everyday
When I realize that I never had it that way

And this is my letter to my brother
Who left me here alone to suff er
You never really understood it
But I needed you more than I ever said

And this is my letter to my mother
Because I don't understand it at all
I don't how you're strong enough
To put up with all of this and stay this long

And this is my letter to my father
Of whom I really wish I could forgive
I really wish this alcoholism
Wouldn't be the only way I remember you

And this is my letter to all of my friends
To thank you for every thing you've said
And even when I die from here
You will always be my best of friends

This is my letter to my heart
I apologize for breaking you like a mirror
And I hope someday I can x you
But I don't know how to at all

Though I could write a million letters
Every day for years to everyone
I will never fi nd the answer
To the questions I must keep hidden

Why did all of this happen
Why did they break in two
If everything has it's reason
Why can't I seem to understand

And this is a letter to the world
Don't ever respond and tell me&
That you know exactly how I feel
Because you don't.

Be This Way

I never really asked to become this way
Personally I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy
At this point I don't know how to control it
The trembling, shaking, irritable days
And sometimes I can just lie in bed
Stay in denial and act like it's just all just make believe
And yet I can't seem to play make believe these days
These panics over simple things,
Are what drive me completely insane each day
I fear that it'll become worse
But I fear help even more
I'll never be that type of person who can raise her hand
And ask just for the simplest advice
At this point I don't think there's any turning back
There's not an ounce of happiness in sight
And each and every self-help book tells me quite the same thing,
Apologize to everyone in your past
But that's not so simple you see
Why should I apologize when it wasn't me who hurt the other
This irritability is driving me wild
I'll become violent and curse for a while
And I've tried many times to quit cursing
I've even tried to stop arguing
But I personally thought I should stop writing
Because some days these writings are more violent than my attitude
And yet every day I write these things
Thousands and thousands each year
I'm happy to have this so-called talent or whatever you may call it
But I never really asked to become this way

Mid-morning

These nights long for sleep
But last until mid-morning
With the last gasping breathe,
It'll be you who I choose to miss

And with the words that are spoken,
I hope you take it all in
And understand just what it means
When I say, "I hope it's real."

I'd give it all up
To have it all back
But I'm not sure what to feel,
When it comes down to that....

I've pressed through the glass
That shattered my heart
I've felt every emotion
And fell completely apart

Yet with your tender touch
I felt absolutely serene
But it all tore apart
When the eyes deceived

And these nights continue to last
Far past 6 am and mid-morning
I lie here away and pray
That I'll get some type of warning

My last breathe is coming upon me
Like the sheet of fog over my sea
And now it's down to only you and me
I just hope one day that you'll be

It's still mid-morning and I'm here
Lying in bed all alone
Wishing that you would say it's all true
And you'd agree that it's all real too

Fake Perception

There's no way
I will ever fake perfection
Because I can't seem to get close to it
at all.
I'll never be able to stay balanced.
Every day I'll stumble on my own words.
I'll never be the smallest
But that's quite fi ne with me.
Trust will never come easy for me
because it's been broken into so much.
Every night there's a new nightmare,
a flashback,
or a simple scare.
Alcohol,
I know,
will trigger these.
And if I can go through just one day,
without any tears at all,
that'll be one of the biggest successes I ever feel right now.
My doors,
they will always stay locked,
at all times.
Anytime I hear a scream,
I'll cringe in fear.
For the rest of my life,
I will probably always write&
hundreds,
if not thousands more.
Because that's me.
I never understood the concept of perfection.
Why would someone want to be that way,
when they could be indescribable&
Personally, I'd rather be di fferent
and not like anyone else.
So what's the fun in faking perfection?

Letter of Resignation

They tell you to cherish these years
They're the best times you'll ever have
Yet they rip and tear you down to pieces
And spit you out when they're fi nished

This is my letter of resignation to my soul
It's so damn hard to keep pushing on
But I'm giving up these lies I hide
I got to make things alright

And this is my letter to the world out there
My apology to how I've been this year
I'm trying to forgive the tears
That some of you have invoke with my fears

Verse:

I'm taking back the times when I could smile
And it fi nally felt real inside

Chorus:

And this is my letter of sorrow
The one that I know you'll never hear
And this is my letter of resignation
To be the one who keeps all your lies
I'm not playing that game anymore
I refuse to smile and fake it
Because this is my letter of resignation
Find someone else to break to tears
It's my resignation to my family
Everyone who thought I held dear
It's my resignation to the person
Who I faked over all these years

Verse:

I'm taking back the times when I could smile
And it finally felt real inside

Repeat chorus:

This is my letter of resignation
Because I hope you have fun over these years

Worse Days

Some days are better
Some days are worse
And some times I fall to pieces
But only if that's what it's worth

And I'm not faltering
To your bleeding eyes I hope you see
And I won't stay to see you cry
You can't keep me down on my knees

Chorus:

I'm not staying in this mess
You can take it however you wish
Some days are better
But I'm tired of those worse ones
Those bad days are over
Just step back and let it be done

I can't keep staying here
In all of this wreckage
I'm not strong enough to hold
All of this tension

I can hear me cracking
From all this breaking
But I'm not stepping down yet
I'm not close to giving up

Repeat chorus:

Do you understand this madness
I'm stepping over your mess
I'm moving on and laying all this here
Hoping it'll all stay behind me

I Just Breathe

Fringe it all upon me
Stress this death inside
Try to bring me down please
There are no more hidden lies
I can't be told I'm not needed now
Break me down all they wanted
I refuse to plead anymore
It's not this I was asking for

Chorus:

And I just breathe
Everyday this pain comes to me
Every moment I think of you
When the stress becomes overwhelming
And I have nothing to turn to
I just breathe and think about&
The hope you hold inside for me
And when you look at me and smile,
All I can do is just breathe...

Once the storm brews over
This rain will slowly subside
No more residue will be left on this soul
From all the problems that were burnt upon it
I have a fairy tale to prove can be true
I got a life to live that doesn't involve this
Some days I know I will curl up and cry
On others I may wish I had died

Repeat Chorus:

Some day before I let go of life,
I will let go of this pain I hid inside
So many years are buried in a pile
That I locked away and lost the key to
For now on, whenever it yells,
I refuse to correspond
To something that that rigid in my air
When it feels like I can't move on
Every second starts to fly by me

Repeat chorus til end:

Insecurities

Nothing's ever perfect
It'll never be what I need
Everything's too screwed with me
Nothing's right at all
I'll never nd that happiness
That everyone brags of
Never will I smile too big
Or frown so small inside
It'll all stay fake til the end
Nothing can plea bargain it at all
Everyone will always be against me
I'll always be scared of yelling
There's always going to be that bottle or can,
That brings back those
ashbacks and memories at hand
There'll never be a day, I deny the truth inside
I'll never expect anyone to understand
The trouble that builds up inside
Gashes rarely appear anymore
Because they're sliced upon internally
Where not a soul could question what is bare
There'll never be a man I can look at,
And not see the possibility of becoming you
There'll never a scream aloud,
That'll never make cringe inside
There's never going to be a tear
That's not originally caused by you
Every moment I take a breathe,
It'll be a breathe I regretted to take
Every day of my life, I'll shake back and forth
From all these fucking issues you put inside me
Day after day I will be angry as hell
Only leading to the climaxing boom from it all
I won't feel sorry for you,
The day it all blows up in flames
The moment I lose it all
And let every pain inside burn it's way out
I know I'm going down with it
But I will never ask you to understand
Because every day I will smile and say I'm ne
Knowing that inside I am tearing to pieces
Every person who says they cares,
I will ultimately think they're lying out there
No one will ever be able to see
The god damn damage you've done to me
And every time someone smiles because of me,
I'll feel that much more of a liar and a fraud
Because in all reality, there's no way they can care
Never will I ever be able to believe anything that's said to me
Because of everything you've said to me
These fake smiles say nothing at all
Yet you think they describe me and this happiness you see
But somehow you always found my insecurities when it occurred
I'd go from bitch to fat to nonexistent
Will you ever notice what you've done to me at all
I've gone from suicidal, to bulimic to anti-social
To a fucking liar who lies about the happiness,
That she knows she will never feel..

In this pain

Rip at me please
I dare you to try
It's killing me inside
Playing it hard isn't easy to do
I can't say I'm all together
When I'm shattered in the room
Never can I say I'm pleased
When it only brings back the hate in me
If only someone could understand
And take this past from me
If only I could learn to forgive
It'd be so much easier can't you see
Sometimes it's better to slice away
Take this pain and made it pretty
Cover yourself in bloody rain
It's not going to make this pain subside
Trash your life, it's not worth being
Hating absolutely everything within
Tear to me to shreds please
It's all I can ever ask of you
Distance yourself away from me
I don't want you being in this pain

Don't Give A Damn (2004-12-07 01:31)

I wake up
Put my hair up
Don't give a damn about anything
The sun shines through, not this bedroom
I've blacked out the windows again
I shut the blinds
Close my eyes
Hope it's all just a shock and surprise
No makeup
I can't take it
I don't give a damn about anything
Don't smile like, I could care like
Anything good could happen
I roll over&
Pull the covers right back over
Close my eyes and hope I die
Don't let the sun shine into these eyes
I'm fading black now
My hearts solid
My skins pale now, I'm a ghost inside
I don't give a damn about anything
Work in my PJ's
Look around like I should care about,
What you see my ass as looking like
I shut the blinds and close the curtains
Close my eyes or I might be hurtin'
Don't let the sun shine into the eyes
Never let sadness pass my ass by
Turn the stereo on
69
You wonder what might possibly be going on
You have no clue now, not a damn hint
I close back the curtains, black out the light
Roll back over and see it in my mind as night
I don't give a damn about anything
I don't give a damn about you
Want rid of this pressure
All this fucking gratitude
I look dead so I might as well be
It's not like any of you all would see&
I walk the streets like it's midnight
Resent to step into the light
Shut these eyes when you look my way
Pray to god and wish you away
Shattered to the ground I see
You fucked everything up in me
The sun shines through and I hide too
I can't see the daylight
It's not about what happened that night
Think you gured me out
But you're missing what it's all about
Can't seem to nd a reason
To possibly think you have a clue
As to what you thought you knew
Don't give a damn about anything
I close my eyes
Shut the blinds
Pull the covers back over my head
Today's just another day,
That I'll be wishin' I was dead...
So I'll wash o the makeup
Put my hair back up
Stay in my PJ's
And sit here wishing the sun wouldn't shine&
At least not today

Untitled (2003-05-02 19:59:45)

I would never hate you
But would except you for who you are
That happy person is gone
and I wouldn't think of seeing her again.

I Use To Be (2003-02-07 10:06)

Nothing was ever a problem
Who I was, was never questioned
But now I'm older and troubled
I'm bordering the edge of the cli
To all of you I'm okay
But all I do is say

I use to be that happy person
The one you always talked to
Never too quiet and never too troubled
Nothing could stop this life
But that was before and now it's di erent
I've grown into my own imperfections

I use to be that dainty one
That cheerful person
Nothing too mysterious about me

I use to be someone else
But one day that changed
I'm me now
That one you hate and never see
But all I can say is
I use to be

One-Nation-Under-God (2002-09-11 20:37)

I never met you and I never will
But I know one thing... that I owe it to you
For the thoughts that you possessed,
There's a sadness that I feel
Deep within my heart I'll never fear
You brought the courage to us
And showed us that we can...
Unite to one and stand up together

I wasn't there to see you cry
Nor did I ever expect to know you
Whether you were on the plane,
Or in the building, you still felt fear
But you died with what you believed
Wait there deep within your soul
I know you will never return
But God knows you understand
That nothing in this world,
Caused that mixed bland
I'll die before I falter
So if you ask, I'll say I'm with...
One-nation-under-God

Chorus:

One nation under God
That's all I'll plead
So make me fall to your failures
But I'll stand up and shout
You can beat me down
And even try to kill me
But I'll get right back up
And look you in the eyes
As I prove to you I will not fall...
For anything less than freedom

We're back to one nation
And we will not stop and fall
You can try to take our power
But we'll knock you right back
You can't take away our freedom
That's our nation and that's our god
So you can try to make us falter
But I'll remain to say...
I'm proud to be an American...
And I'll always say I'm free....
And nothing in this world...
Could take that love from me

Repeat Chorus:

Dear Daddy... (2002-07-20 18:58)

I always thought that love would be reminiscent
But then I realized it's only hiding what I'm missing
I was missing my whole childhood
I was running away from my pain
If I knew how to stop and say, "just leave me alone"
I'd know myself to be the stronger one you see
But instead I was running on a train
I was lying across the deep ocean
The ocean full of pain
And over flowing with my tears
I always wanted back exactly what you took
But when I was a child you left me there alone
You smiled when you hit me
And you laughed when I cried
You yelled even more when I said..

Chorus:

Dear daddy is that you
Or how I should have been?
Was it me who was always wrong
Or were those bottles coming to you
Dear daddy let me go
You still hurt me so
I'm still running from you
And although you say nothing now
I'm still crying myself to sleep
Wondering why you wanted me
I took all your anger inside me
I left it in my soul and buried it
And one day when you said something
I just had to say..

Verse 1:
I know you hate me
And I know you'll never care
So what the hell's keeping you
From taking care of your pain
Go ahead and kill me
And let me live alone
I don't want to deal with this home

I ran into my room
And shut the door behind
I wondered what would happen
If I took the time,
To write down a poem
On which it said you were..
The meaningless devil

Repeat Chorus:

Why did you hit me?
Why can't I be happy?
I want to go home
To the place worth living
But all I see is tears
And all this hate in here

Repeat Verse 1:

But daddy won't you tell me,
Why you were never here
When I sat and wished I had you
You were never near
But daddy you never seen it
And god knows you didn't care
So I sat there trying to make myself...
disappear

Repeat chorus:

Daddy your pain is still killing me...

Your Regret (2002-07-19 21:27)

I'm falling to pieces
And no body cares

I'm diving in head first
And you know I can't swim

So I'll take that leap alone
And you know that I'll be gone

So I hope I make you happy
And I hope that you regret

It's you who made me do this
And that's the way it is

It's not what I do it's about you
And you know I can't handle this

Were You? (2002-07-19 21:26)

Lonely nights
That I prayed the love away
Come to me and no one else
Just let it close by itself
I don't need to take it away
And I don't want to hear you say
All the times that I have forgotten
Were you the one I needed

Secret Thoughts (2002-07-19 21:26)

In this secret heart of mine
Was it me or you who cried?
I crashed on down
And you didn't see
Cry so much and I will die
But as these thoughts
Are those secrets and lies?
In my mind you had told
Everything that I had known
Will you care the way you did?
Will I see forever again?
In these secrets of my thoughts
You were the one who I had fought
I fell on down and hit the ground
But once or twice I spun around
I hit so hard and didn't see
The way you were falling for me
I know you cared and I did too
But as this feeling has gone blue
I sat and wondered how I could,
See through to the rest of you
In these secrets of my thoughts
You were the one that I had loved
In this treasured heart of mine,
You were the one I wanted for all time
But now I'm stuck and sitting here
Wondering who should draw near
I'm stuck between two a far
And I know who to chose
But I'm falling far far apart
In these secrets of my thoughts
You're the one who tore me apart

Of All This Pain (2002-07-19 21:25)

Of all this pain
All of its going
Going away
And now I've been thinking
And sought out my pain
The way that you touched me
Is why I'm insane?
I'm falling down under
And the bricks are all breaking
I'm crying so badly
It's not what I'm taking
All of these words
And all of this pain
And nothing could help me
To stay and remain
And if all I could do was
Cry all my tears
I would fall down on it
If all I could do is think of it all
And nothing could bare
I'd wish myself away
And wish I weren't here
I want to be me again
The one you don't see
I want to be happy
I want to be me
Can't someone just help me?
To be what you don't see
I've fallen into my own lethal mind
And I have nothing to help me
Take my hand and hold me
Show me you're here
All I want to be is what is not here
And if I could chose I'd rather not be
Somebody just realize I want to be real
The one that you knew
The one that you loved
That one that's not the same
Since I had changed the way I react
I tried to take my life and now I regret
But something's need help
Or just a friend's hand
Can't somebody help me?
Be what I REALLY am?

More Than (2002-07-19 21:25)

More than a desert
More than I felt
More than that ocean
More than that hate
More than that heart
More than I sink
More than me
More than you
More than that power
More than you possess
More than I care
More than I see
More than you say
More than I hear
More than that love
More than I can help you
More than the length of your funeral
More than the length of my tears
More than the sorrow we fear
More than the love I carry
More than I will never forget...
The memories you left in our hearts

Want To (2002-07-19 21:24)

I want to laugh
I want to cry
I want to make you mine
I want to sit and think
I want to run and hide
I want to be okay
I want to say I'm ne
I want to go away
I want to stay a far
I want to share me
I want to help you too
I want to say yes
I want to stop saying no
I want to be more caring
I want to show you too

Waited (2002-07-19 21:24)

I'm falling apart
And my world's colliding
How much we drifted apart
To an unknown place in time
When I wondered if you'd stay mine
I cried myself to sleep asking how can this be?
But nothing could compare to my trouble
And I cried myself to sleep asking how your love could be
The same way as I wondered if we hadn't set our tears away

Waited (2002-07-19 21:24)

I've waited a thousand days
To show the many ways
How we let it all go
And acted like it wouldn't show
How can we both say
That we want it that way
All I wanted was to be the same again
And I wanted you back again
Loving your ways
But sometimes I care
But sometimes I'm scared
Everything's so right
And the hate is kind of bright
I don't want to be more than
Of all that troubles we had

Sea (2002-07-19 21:24)

At the bottom of my sea
i know you might see me

Be Me (2002-07-19 21:23)

I want to be me
What no one has seen
Can't I be what I was meant for
Is this my life or is it yours
Can I tell you how I feel
Or would it be just a joke to you

Sat & Cried (2002-07-19 21:23)

I sat and cried as I waited on you
You went away from me
I wondered if I would hear from you again
The feelings I felt scared me deeply
And made me ask if I could keep going
I tried to act like nothing was missing
But its like there was piece gone in me

I sat and cried listening to silence
That use to be lled with love and joy
I looked in the mirror thinking
Why do I look so dead?
Is it because that one and only isn't here?
A tear fell the day I had to say goodnight
And you said only a few months

I sat and cried one year later
Giving up on hearing from you
Months turned into years
And pain intruded into my heart
I was scared to anyone I loved them
Because I knew you were the only one
I didn't want to be with anyone else

I sat and cried on what I thought,
Was an ordinary normal day
I seen your name and I cried more
You came back and held your word
I was nervous when I spoke to you
I was shaking more than ever
"Hey" is what you said
And the biggest smile appeared

I sat and cried knowing god cared
For when I talked to you,
You said, "I still love you too"
Then as if angels sang
My day was made the greatest
One month later and I'm still smiling
And you say you're going to ask me,
The question that I waited to hear again
"I'll be the one to ask you out"
You haven't asked it yet
Because you want it to be a surprise

But I'll sit and cry again that day
Knowing you will always be with me
Whether I talk to you or not
We will always be "special" friends

Lost Once (2002-07-19 21:23)

I lost you once
And now you're mine
I cried so hard
And wasted my time

Hate Me (2002-07-19 21:23)

I know that you hate me
What can I say
I know I'm that girl
That just ruins you day
I've seen so much
And ran so far

Fallin (2002-07-19 21:22)

Im fallin apart
What cant you see
Im cryin too hard
And that's all you wanna be

Everywhere (2002-07-19 21:18)

Everywhere that I go
You're always saying to me no
Let me go alone and I will say
Any where in my world
I will nd the way to help
I can see over hills and let it out come out
Don't tell me no cause I will go
And I will not think to stay

Fall Away (2002-07-19 21:18)

If I fall away from me
God just help me see

I'm standing on the edge now
And I'm starting to fall over
All I wanted was to be
The same way I was before

I don't need a friend
And I don't need a lover
I don't need your hand
And I don't need any other

I'm just on the edge
Starting to fall over
Closer to the end
Farther from the truth though

I've started to shatter
My shield is now cracked
And I'm dying to be over
All the hell I lived

Take me on to my new home
Burn the hell that I had known

Me (2002-07-19 21:17)

Watch me in my sincere depression
Glide me across your messed up complection
Screw me over the way the rest all have
Hit me the way you wish i would cave
Call me the names you wish i would pleed
Kill me to make me do what you want, bleed
Make me want to make myself heal
Take me like the way you want to kill

My Misery (2002-07-19 21:17)

i thought i meant the same to you as you did to me
but i guess that's just mistaken by my usual misery
i waited and i waited but never did you show
i sat here for hours but i had to realize that i know
you never meant what you said and you knew you wouldn't show
so i sat here longer wishing and praying you would just appear
but instead i ended up in agony and crying and watching my tears
i guess i thought you were di erent but truth is i didn't think
i gured you would care for me the same as i did you
but all you did was stab my heart the way i felt before
before when you left me and we didn't talk for long
When i had to try to hide my love and tell it so-long
but forever never ended and you appeared again
only to make a lie to me and hurt me with my fear
i feared to live without you but learned its not so clear
i'm scared to be with someone else and tell them how i feel
but throughout the years you stayed the same and i did not heal

Fallen (2002-07-19 21:16)

I'm falling to pieces and no body knows
I'm lling up the rivers with tears
but no one seems to notice the floods
I could cry a thousand years
but no one would seem to care
I'm drowning in my pool of blood
but everyones just saying "Cheers"
I could runaway from here
but no one would see i'm gone
I could end my life without disturbance
but no one would see nor hear
I'm crying on the inside
i'm lost on the outside
but no one seems to worry
it's just another one of those days
A day without worries
a day with many pains
a day with my sorrow
just one of those days where she says,
"What if i ended it" but never does it
What if one day, she did it
and you were told that same line by her,
Than what? will you still ignore her cries?

Words & Feelings (2002-07-19 21:14)

None of the words could say
Exactly how you make me feel
I know I'm not always the greatest
But I'm not the worst either
All the things I could o er to you
The most important is my love
I've never stopped having
The feelings I feel about you
In the end I hope you feel the same
But as for now I can say
I love you

It can mean many things
And take you many places
It can make you feel everything
But it means what you want it to mean
Words can not describe how much it stands for
But there is not a price tag to put on it
It means too much to be wasted
And I hope I don't waste your time
You haven't wasted mine
And every time I've been down,
You've brought me back up

You can't imagine the smiles,
That you put on my face
You mean more than enough to me
And I hope you will always be there
If you ever need a friend,
I want you to know I'll be there
Don't ever think I will be mad at you
I might get frustrated or confused
But I will never hate you

I'll love you forever and always
And I hope you don't think I'm a fool,
For saying all this to you
It is the truth in my heart
And it always has been
I will never forget how we were
Or what we can be

Whatever you want, it's your choice
But I just want you to know
That I'll always feel the same

Bridge (2002-07-19 18:54)

Standing on the bridge of reality
watching my
ames burn inside me
the intensity of the pain
and the blood it has arisen
death to me is a minute away
but happiness is just a old memory
The blood pours from inside the soul
and the glory fades into the re

You've (2002-07-10 19:50)

You've hurt me badly
And made my barrier fall
You've cut me like a thousand knives
And left me to down in a waterfall
You've sliced my wrists without being near
And you left me lying on the
oor bleeding
You've tore me apart from myself
And you laughed while I shattered
You've shot me in the heart
And walked away when I screamed
You've run me over like a road
And left me cold and hurt
You've tore me inside
And kept telling me the same lies
You've thought of me as sinned
And left me to burn in my pain
But I know you are not chosen,
For I know I do not love you
Love is the cure for pain,
But it wasn't founded for you anymore
For what I want to be here
Has came back into my arms
So with these lines,
I say goodbye and hope you learn,
With your lies, comes your own pain,
I hope you feel what I did

Your Regret (2002-06-28 22:23)

I'm falling to pieces
And no body cares

I'm diving in head rst
And you know I can't swim

So I'll take that leap alone
And you know that I'll be gone

So I hope I make you happy
And I hope that you regret

It's you who made me do this
And that's the way it is

It's not what I do, it's about you
And you know I can't handle this

So i say goodbye to pity and despair
I hope that this is your nal regretP

Of This Pain (2002-06-23 22:31)

Of all this pain
All of its going
Going away
And now I've been thinking
And sought out my pain
The way that you touched me
Is why I'm insane?
I'm falling down under
And the bricks are all breaking
I'm crying so badly
It's not what I'm taking
All of these words
And all of this pain
And nothing could help me
To stay and remain
And if all I could do was
Cry all my tears
I would fall down on it
If all I could do is think of it all
And nothing could bare
I'd wish myself away
And wish I weren't here
I want to be me again
The one you don't see
I want to be happy
I want to be me
Can't someone just help me?
To be what you don't see
I've fallen into my own lethal mind
And I have nothing to help me
Take my hand and hold me
Show me you're here
All I want to be is what is not here
And if I could chose I'd rather not be
Somebody just realize I want to be real
The one that you knew
The one that you loved
That one that's not the same
Since I had changed the way I react
I tried to take my life and now I regret
But something's need help
Or just a friend's hand
Can't somebody help me?
Be what I REALLY am?

Were You? (2002-06-22 19:08)

Lonely nights
That I prayed the love away
Come to me and no one else
Just let it close by itself
I don't need to take it away
And I don't want to hear you say
All the times that I have forgotten
Were you the one I needed226405=

Our Time Hasn't Come Yet (2002-06-18 16:09)

I seen the ground
I felt the sun rise above
I've seen the shadow of hell come on
But I will not fall
Not at all for you
You can take it all
But I still got my life to live
You took some lives
But we will take yours
You said those lies and wanted that help
You told us all to die
You showed us hell
We won't look down
We shall arise above the ground
Don't think were through

It's just starting with you
I know it's all but not enough for you
Satisfaction guaranteed
You won't take me
I will stand up tall and ght for my freedom
Just because I'm young doesn't mean we cant beat em
They tried to destroy what meant freedom to us
We'll build then back and show our symbolism

Chorus:
You can't take us down
We're not just an average country
We'll over power you
We won't ever look down
We've seen the start of a new generation
Everyday life came to a halt
The blood shed throughout this passive time
Your time has come
Confrontation meeting
Don't ever believe
Your safe from the
We will arise and see the sky
Its not meant to be
But the shadow of the
will be all that's left of you

Gone (2002-06-18 16:06)

Lying to you open the door and the face of my shadow will it erase? o tell me now will you ever see how if you
walk right away from me....tell me DO you ever see the shadow of my darkened face and will the memories
never erase? and til the day when i seen your face i'll come on to tell it all to you

I'll tell it all like it was and the hurt from it too and the pain of the walls closing in on me...tell me
do you see the hurt in my eyes and see that pain that will arise to that darkened room when i seen that face
it was only you........you turned away and seen the light....but i felt the darkened cold on my little embrace of
my heart to you..

to see that way i seen your face you walked away from me too....i wondered how you could ever been
the same as my sweet embrace wanted to hold you tight and let it seem just right until my cold days came to
a beginning trace.....

I felt the hate arise tonight and i seen your shadows in the light..to hold you close would to curse me
and i'd die of hungered pain...Will you see me like i see you?....Will i hate the only way i could have
loved.......... you?.....

i run to the horizon up high and i kneeled down beside the hall to see you....I missed your life and i
seen your hate but to love you again would never erase.........

Chorus:
Could you ever seen it
will you ever beat the ways
I'll always love that face that i always seen
only because it is my sweet embrace...
To the tears of my face and the nights i cant erase
I'll remember your already gone.....

You left with me to follow the hate of my race...you took with you the love i felt for you...and im only left
with what i hate inside and i feel my heart race when i seemed to see your face but then again i wake up in
the cold darkened night then i realize you're already gone...........
Repeat Chorus to fade:

Advice (2002-06-18 16:06)

always be the one you are and dont you ever show the fear your not near and let it flow like the endless tears of my dear life

End (2002-06-18 16:06)

The end came near
you stepped so close
you wondered if you should overdose
You thought that they wouldnt care
but you smelled death up in the air
You looked around and wondered why
no one seemed to hear you cry

Silence (2002-06-18 16:04)

Butterfly kisses
and roses are red
but the silence is torture
when nothing is said

I Want You (2002-06-18 16:03)

I know that she means so much to you
I see that the world couldn't dream of you and me
So I'll sit back and watch and wish I was her
I want that place to have that chance

Chorus:
I want it all
To take you home
to the end of time
I'll love you so

You cant say she loves you more
You got no idea how much I feel
I know you don't see me like I want
But I know you hear me
And my words, they scream to take it all

Let me take that chance and I'll show you
I'll let it all out to be what I gured it to me
And I dreamed of the world like no other place
I seen the glow in your face when you smiled at me
You seen me look back and I know you see the way I feel
Just get over that and realize she's not right

Repeat chorus:
To see the end and see you smile
Would end it all without those lies
Lies that betrayed and told it all
You led it on just like you said you loved her
Don't you know the truth that you'll never be
What I wanted you in my life as

Rose (2002-06-18 16:03)

they say what cant i do
there they go like i never knew
and it cuts threw the heart
of the single dead rose
and it makes you think
would it ever be extinct

Can't (2002-06-18 16:03)

I can't eat
I can't sleep
You're just always on my mind
I don't know what god has done to me
But I can't keep my mind o of you
I just can't eat
And I know I won't sleep
And it's tearing me apart

Wonder (2002-06-18 16:02)

take my mind and wonder on take my time and i see how long and i wonder how long it will be til i ponder
the meaning of true identity and i follow to the skys above and i wonder if we'll be the same as i see in the
day and my ways upon me and i follow through to see the other you and i follow to the day and i seek that
way yeah and i see you through the eyes of my angel and his time is running out and i wonder do you feel
the same as me and see you and see the shattered glass is it all true

Time Moves (2002-06-18 16:02)

Oh oh When the time begins to move on and you feel you can not be strong the feelings fall to the ground
like the circle of hope ending, always be the way i always see to me and dont look on the world only be what
the one in the life wants u to be and thats you be real to your self your so true don't let it go out i know why
i can go on Tell me if you want to be close enough to envy every touch truly and I wonder why I can care so
much for something I don't know about and I feel every little touch is true

I see (2002-06-18 16:02)

When I see you there for the days I wonder
To see thy peace and I wonder how you could erase
My sweet embrace&.from your heart to lead the body like me
and seen through to that other you
That you that scared me
And the you that screamed
Words will never erase my lonely heart
Its like that lacey type you see inside that's bumpy but yet small
To the end of my time and ill see you there
I'll think of my heart and its baring tear
To see the endless tears of my words
I wonder how you said those things to me
and I see you in my misery

I Want To Be Me (2002-06-13 17:53)

I want to be me
What no one has seen
Can't I be what I was meant for
Is this my life or is it yours
Can I tell you how I feel
Or would it be just a joke to you

I (2002-06-13 17:52)

I'm falling apart
And my world's colliding
How much we drifted apart
To an unknown place in time
When I wondered if you'd stay mine
I cried myself to sleep asking how can this be?
But nothing could compare to my trouble
And I cried myself to sleep asking how your love could be
The same way as I wondered if we hadn't set our tears away

Go Away (2002-05-03 18:44)

How does this world know?
Exactly what I'm feeling
Why can't I just show it?
I feel like it's the end
And the world could get no worse
I wish that I could disappear
To an unknown far away land

Chorus:
How do I deal with this pain?
It's just driving me insane
I don't know what to say
And this game's not something I want to play
Can't it just all go away?
I don't want it to stay
Please make it disappear
I don't want to see it here
Go away
Go away
Go away from here

Everyone says it's okay
But this isn't something I want to play
Please stop hitting rewind
Make it go away
I hear these voices screaming
And I see the hated gleaming
Make it go away
Make it go away
I don't want to see it here
I don't want to die
But I don't want to live
I just want to cry
And I know it's not the best
I wanted it to be okay
But I know it's not
And what you're saying isn't right
Say it isn't true
God don't say he's gone
Bring it back to me
Open my eyes and let me see
Let me see it's all okay
He can't be gone
It can't be true
I don't want this to be real

Repeat Chorus

Only You (2002-04-27 18:34)

If nights could hold you softly
And the sweet sincerity told you how I felt
Then our worlds would begin to collide slightly
But our love is as smooth as velvet
And the smell of roses could never compare
Chorus:
Take my hand and don't look back
I can't imagine my day without you
Our love is real and made forever
The only people who feel the same,
Are those who feel truelove
I don't want to go a day without you
And nothing in the world could take you from me
I don't want to live a day wishing I had said, "I love you"
And nothing has ever made me this happy
I don't want to go a day as the person I use to be
And nothing will change the way I feel for you
I can't wait to hold you closely
And be able to kiss you sweetly
The days I spend with you are the greatest days ever
Nothing in the world could make me look forward to living
And when I met you,
I cried for hating life so badly before
You opened my eyes and let the sun in
Repeat Chorus:
I wrote this while crying
Thanking God for giving me an angel
And the greatest guy there is
I never thought anyone could mean this much to me
I've fallen very hard but it was a soft landing
And I love living because of you
When I wake up in the morning,
I look forward to the day
Just knowing you're in it makes it all worth the wait
I seen what love isn't, when I was little
You taught me what love is
You showed me the rainbow at the end of my life's storm
You helped me become me again
When I met you, I knew you were special
When you said I was your soul mate,
I knew we would last forever
The first time you told me you loved me,
I smiled and cried because I knew you meant it
I never thought I'd meet someone like you
Now I'm glad you helped lift me up
And see another world
As much time we have left in our lives,
There will never be enough
For me to tell you how much I love you

Sad Day (2002-04-24 13:39)

Everything i ever wanted
Everything i ever asked
I wish it were the same
And that i could make it last
I wish that my life would go back
To the day everything was normal
I wish that you all were okay but
I guess it wasnt meant to last
Never thought anything bad would happen
I never thought that my world could go upside down
You all mean a lot to me and memories will stay
I know its not over yet but if that day shall come soon,
You will be kept in everyones heart and...
the cheerful memories and words of encouragement...
will go on forever with me...
From the day you said i could to the day i knew you could
To the nights we stayed up late playing checkers just so you would let me win...
To the days i sat on your lap and made fun of Matt
To the mornings we went out and seen what the world was about
There will never be a single day missed that i wont think of you..
You will ALWAYS be in my heart no matter what and..
those fourth of July picnics will always remind of you and your jokes..

My Boy (2002-04-24 13:37)

You're the boy I've always prayed for
You're the dream I never thought I'd see
You're the wish on that shooting star
You're the red in my heart
You're the one I always wanted
You're the person I cared for
You're the one I always think of
But most of all you're the one I love

New Years Day 2002 - Doomed (2002-04-24 13:37)

As these dark cold walls close in on me
I'm sitting in a gloomy bathroom
The sounds are laughter but I'm all tears
How is it that noone cares
The four mint green walls
Only seem like there going to fall
My heart slowly stops beating
As I'm left contemplating to end it all
Or to let it be
I just don't know what to do
I sit on the edge of the tub and think
Should I fi ll up the tub and sink
I cry so hard that I cant breath
I try and think why is it happening to me
Why cant the world close down on something else
Why is it left on me to be hated
The hateful words that I was called
Were only to make me think whether or not to end it all
My face is all red as I splash water from the sink on it
I wonder if anyone would care if I sat here and died
My life to me is nothing but one nightmare and lie
I wish I could start all over and be a whole new person
To move away and start again would be all a dream
For me to go and be happy again would never happen
Especially because I've never been happy in my life
How can the world come down so fast
To only show me that my life's not going to last
"Take your life" is all I think as I sit and cry in the floor
No longer am I able to stand up without falling to the ground in tears
I wonder how I am to be what God placed me here to be
If there was a God why is this happening to me?

Question (2002-04-24 13:36)

What is there for me?
What's left after this misery?
Is it the end because it feels like it?
Am I close to the edge because you broke my cli ?
Will I live the life as I did before?
Or will I walk the earth missing you forever?
Day after day
Minute after minute
Nothings changed except the love for you
It's gone deeper than you could expect
And further into temptation to drive me closer
Closer to the edge and farther from you
Love that was once shallow is now deeper than the ocean
Deeper than any temptation god could allow
And I walk, wondering, will we be what we were before
I cry my tears not just for you but for the aching heart you left
The sadness on my face was caused by the day you told me.
You really liked her
I know I must face the idea that she's there to satisfy your needs,
And I'm just a younger girl whose here wishing she was doing the same
Age wasn't an issue but distance was
If age and distance is both a number why did only one reason destroy us
You told me you loved me but just as a friend, and maybe it was just me,
Or that meant more to me than it ever would if you told me you loved me otherwise
Because you are my every wish, every dream, every desire
But now we're apart and I no longer hear from you even though I wish I did,
I know you care someway or another, but please just let it go how it seems it should be

Meant (2002-04-24 13:31)

o sorrow be true to your heart and dont ask why just go with it if the sea comes bare and you dont see it
there then nothing was meant to be....
When so many things come together and so many heart were
eathered ..look at me and tell me do u
believe in what i have to say.....
Let it got..if it comes back then you'll know if you loved so much just let it be and you will see the
future hopefully sooner than later...maybe you can what i have to say is true....maybe you wont cry to sleep
ever again as long as you believe in life itself
when you u cant go on.... look at me and i will show you the light to take that obstacle and show the world
that you can take it on...dont show you fear because you always know that i can love the way you hate me
and truely bring the sadness to the end of time...

Real Me (2002-04-24 13:31)

Only few know how it is
Only you will see it real
Tis' the day I shall say
Will it happen over again
Not all have seen what I am
They met the exterior that was my barrier
Please help me God for I have fallen
And those people will no longer stall
I want to go as far away
I want to see how far I can stay
Let me leave this old cold place
And see if I can make my past erase
Please forgive me for I have done wrong
But I will be better and stay as strong
I can not run for I can not hide
My laws say that I must abide
Abide to what I do not know
I guess I'll say it can not show
What happens often is unknown
But I wish it would be bestowed
Those endless nights and sleepless tides
Makes me only want to cry
Please forsake this passion of mine
For I let it out here so hear my cry
To cry allowed would only wrecken
What I said I took for saken
Please help me Lord for I have fallen
Help me up and make that choice
For me all I can do is hope and pray
That I'll be okay some other day

Through (2002-04-24 13:31)

through good times
through dark times
throughout the light
to see to the edge
of the endless flight

Image (2002-04-24 13:30)

As I look out the never ending road
I see that prince that was a toad
To hop along like he showed
Would only make us to know
To know the ways shadows fall
To hear the cries of tender call
I see the rain from up above
I grab upon the old God's glove
Smiles seek the happiness in
Smiles glare at the old man's chin
See thou passion from far away
See the staring to make you stay
The endless nights that were dreary
The unstoppable days that clouds were weary
Children run into the yard and shout and play
Children's clothing all mixed in clay
School bells ringing from down the hall
School children shouting beside the wall

You (2002-04-24 13:30)

Only you will ever know the real me
Threes not many that know how it will be
To see thy clouds and race that race
Would only show me the point of grace
From the shadow waters to the dry sea
The depth of the ocean and cries of bees

Beating Heart (2002-04-24 13:29)

As many times you seem to break
All those memories seem to erase
I cracked the ice within my soul
But only to lose my heart's control
Love for one and all too true
Normally happens to me because of blue
Blue being the favorite or the meaningful color
The closest of all power is true
Please tell it to me if my heart misses you
Assure me that it isn't you who makes the butterflies
Beating heart that trembles within
Stop beating so fast when he walks in
The pounding I cant take much more of,
Only shows its beating passion of wanting
Beating heart please just stop and let it go
For you can not have what does not want you
Please tell me if it's just infatuation or the true passion,
Of my beating heart wanting you

Think (2002-04-24 13:29)

Think I know how it feels to be you
I think I see what wasn't true
To only are what I'll ever show to you
And I'll let it be known and won't be blue
Cause I'll always care about you

Time (2002-04-24 13:28)

Time can only tell
If it wouldn't have fell
Clocks and watches do the same
But people wasting time is to blame
To tell a lie and not the truth
Would only make your life untrue
The things you say now,
Show all that is to come

Simplicity (2002-04-24 13:28)

Simple meaning easy
Simplicity is too much
To ease with too little
Would gratitude too much
Turn up and down, left and right
Nothing happens, its too simple
To hit with much and switch the notch
Would only show simplicity
Too many seconds throughout the day
Is only too show complicity
Complication is not simple
But simplicity is not simple
So is simplicity complicated
Or is complication simplicity
If simplicity is not complicated
And complication is not simple
Is simplicity complication at all?
Complicated isn't it?
But simple it is not!
Figure out the complications of simplicity
While simplicity is being simple

Christmas (2002-04-24 13:28)

When the slay bells ring and you come on in&
The Santa's waiting with his cookies and milk&
Little kid's laughter ll up the air you hear&
Do you hear the joy of that little boy;s tears&
Would you pursue the little girl to believe that
Santa's not here...
Such the love inside and the smiles abide please
tell me how you would be to be right&.
When the people come home at Christmas time
The times they spend together are cherished and glad
Please take them slowly and don't let it pass
Make sure you let all know the love inside
Caroling outdoors is not in the past
But make sure you know it has to last
Take your time and carry on
Cause tomorrow you don't know what will become&.

Remember (2002-04-24 13:24)

I am what I am
And that's what I am
But is it just I
Or has this house fell
The walls are turned black
And the love is now all hate
The carpets all bloodied
The faces are painted in frowns
Smiles are now extinct here
And life still carries on
It's as if nothing happened
But in one night your fate can turn
It turns toward the worse
And nightmares become reality
And happiness becomes a dream
The windows are all frosty
My eyes are all blurry
Is it my life or my hate?
That's brought me to hell
Trash clutters the floor
And the leaves lie around outside
The weeds are now all grown up here
And the pond is all brown
The lake is all drained
And hope is all gone
But is it a nightmare or my reality
I lie in my bed in the corner
Of the blue wishful room
As I look around it's all full of hope
But when I open my eyes it's all gone
To hell and back to heaven
And angel wings are broken
Demons begin to hinder
But I wish that I would remember
To just remember those times
Would be the best of all

Walk Away (2002-04-24 13:24)

Why did you turn and walk away from me
As if you didn't care and you never wanted it so
There was no point in having me here...
if you were only going to walk away from me

Words (2002-04-24 13:23)

How can words actually describe
Only the description that can't be made
All the feelings in the world couldn't amount
To everything in the world it's all a blur
Is it just what I see or do you see it too

Just For You (2002-04-24 13:22)

Words are the feelings that I know
And life's just one of those unlawful roads
But when I met you it all changed
And now I'm glad that I'm not the same
I can't stop smiling and its never ending now
Even though we fell hard I guess we caught each other too
There's nothing in this world that could take the place of you
And if for some reason something should try
I'd be damned if I let it get through
Nothing can change my mind now
And no one can tell me any di erent
I'm glad we're together
And I'm glad that you're mine
I wish that for at least just one day
To be able to hold you and hug you
I wish that for one day, I could look you in the eye forever
And for that one day, nothing else in the world would matter
Everything would be forgotten
Nothing would ever be the same
But nothing would ever be bad
Because with you everything's too right
Just for you I will write this
Just for you I will care for
Just for you I won't do that stupid thought
Just for you I won't stop breathing
Just for you I will smile and go on
Just for you and just because of you..
I'm still here and happy again

You And Me (2002-04-24 13:22)

I'm trying to be
What no one else believes
In life I know it's mine
But here I don't see the time
Try to open your eyes
And maybe you'll see me
But until I call out to you
You're just as blind as I am
Call on mine to see the waves
Take your time and I'll sail away
Blue skies are whistling to me
But how can I see that we're not meant to be
Oh where are you now for me
I can't go on living this fantasy
How cold does the water rise
If I let it break through my tide
I wanted to let you see
But now if seeing means we have to be
I know now what I knew not then
And I know what we had has now transcend
Time moves on and people change
Will you always be the same one
I wondered how you cared for me
When I'm not there
But destiny claims
Love will transcend
It will not change me
But destiny calls you to leave with me

All (2002-04-24 13:21)

Baby your all that I needed
Its just that thought had me bleeding
Maybe I shouldn't say my secret
But it's just this feeling it can't be kept
Come a little closer
Tell me what I got to be scared of
I love the feeling of hopeless nights
But only when you're the reason why they exist

Why And If (2002-04-24 13:19)

If hate feels my heart,
Why is my blood still red?
If I'm ugly inside,
Why do people think I'm pretty?
If I'm only one person,
Why doesn't anyone like the other me?

The Look In Your Eyes (2002-04-24 13:19)

The look in your eyes shows it's ok
I can tell that you still care
The shade so calming
Looks so appealing
Do you trust without fear
Tell me what I want to hear
One look in your eyes and its all worth while
There's a reason for life

Story (2002-04-24 13:18)

I tell my story how it is
I tell it in all the ways I can think and dream
I tell myself my stories
I tell myself the pain
When that story's cold and dark,
Pain it all that's left

See Through (2002-04-24 13:16)

I see through you, I see through me
I see to the truth that stands to be
I see through that wall, the barrier at heart
I see through love, to the hate of the fault
I see through hate, to the hopefulness of originality
I see through experience, to the regrets of playfulness
I see through hell
To the thoughts of happy days
I see through the clouds
In hope for that clear blue sky
I see through the mountains
To the soft oceanic streams in you
I see through me to the hate and glare
To the mirrored re
ection and loves repel
I see through to you and me
To the hatefulness and I O U's
I see through to your soul
To the love that you hold
I see through your words
To the meanings I wish you told

Sing-A-Song (2002-04-24 13:16)

I sing my song to tell my ways
I sing my song that only I know
I sing my song of what seems scary
I sing my song because I write what is mine

Rhymes (2002-04-24 13:15)

The mouse in the house
The cat in the hat
Were some people's favorite stories,
But what are out favorites now?
Terror and blood and hate and love
But if we would have kept reading about the
cat and the mouse, the world would be di erent

Power (2002-04-24 13:15)

When the world turns its back
And your left all alone
The shadows of the past
Come back to haunt
The feelings inside
Emptiness behind
They all came back
Worthless you thought
Afraid to awake
Your shadow scared you
You don't know what to do
The feelings insecure
I pray everynight
That fright shall oversee
The power in me

Inside And Outside (2002-04-24 13:14)

Inside is where I cry
Outside is where I scream
Inside is where I die
Outside is where I'm fake
Inside is where my life is
Outside is where my fantasy is
Inside is where my love is
Outside is where my hate shows
Inside is where my hate turns out gold
Outside is where I turn cold and pale

Image (2002-04-24 13:14)

I know that there is so many times
I see that you're crazy only to be held
And I fought away the tears and pain
And I cried o glory all the days
When you went away I cried again
Then I looked and seen your face
Everything was going at a fast pace
And I wondered was it just you
Or was I in love with an image
The hate and love and the sad above
Would you tell me what is your image?

Inside (2002-04-24 13:14)

Inside me is that one place that's just for me
Inside me is that place that's just for peace and not hate
Inside me there is a love not sadness
Inside me there is a light not a darkness
Inside me is a soul who can not rest on hells doorstep
Inside me is a feeling of love that can't take harsh words
Inside me is a passion that needs to go to heaven
Inside me in a person who wants to come out
But most of all,
Inside me is the real me
Who wishes she would shine inside out for others to see

Happy Days (2002-04-24 13:13)

Happy days is all I say
And the worlds round and bright
Happy days are what they say
All around the world's crown
Come on up and face the sky
Take a look into space
Come on up and see the life
Of the unknown stranger,
Who made you live

Friends (2002-04-24 13:13)

Friends forever that's what we said
No matter what always there for each other
We danced together and laughed together
Always seen together but that was 6 yrs ago
As we walk the school we're not together
Our friends changed and you chose the other path
I went my way and you went yours
Next thing I know you're doing drugs
We separated
That love within is no longer there
Friends forever until the end
Maybe that meant the end of childhood
We lost it all and our paths were chosen
But didn't include us both together
In our hearts we're still together
Out side we're apart

For Granted (2002-04-24 13:13)

I don't mean to take so much for granted
But I don't know just what to say
I can see you're thinking of what I may say
But I just don't know how to act around you anymore
Sometimes I take you for granted so much
That I just forget you care as much as me

I (2002-04-24 13:13)

I just wanted to be in love
I just wanted to be thought of
I only wanted to be held tightly
I only wanted to be cared for
Everything I seemed to wish
Everything I seemed to need
Only did it all fall down on me
Only did it all just kill me
I wished for him to come back
I wished that he would like me too
Dreams are reality to the death extent
Dreams are the nightmares of my life

Face The Identity (2002-04-24 13:12)

I stepped down from the cage and felt the fresh air breeze
I seemed to be relieved of this sin
I stepped down from my home and walked away from my life
I crawled to my grave and I took along my knife
I only took the knife to carve in my name
To carve in that person of who I now am
I must learn to face what is reality
Dreams are dreams and left in sleep
Fantasy is games left in the mind to play
I turned my back on what I have known
I had to face the fact that I'm still not grown
But I have to take up for my actions
I run and hide not playing hide-and-seek
I wish away everything that's in this mind
Fear is what I must live with
Running is not an option anymore
I must face the truth and realize. . .
This life just doesn't seem to care

Faded Jeans (2002-04-24 13:12)

Faded like a pair of jeans,
Torn like a paper shredder,
Is where I found myself
And seen my faded life
Passionate contemperment
Seas of wavery lines
The jeans are old and faded
Just like all the lies you told
Honest isn't something you know
And help is something you need,
But inside, your torn just like the
Faded jeans...

Ever (2002-04-24 13:10)

I think you can think clever
But would you ever believe that it's never
Too late to be what you wanted
Too hard to be true to you
If you could see all that I did
I know you just wouldn't see
Cause the power's in you and me....

Depression (2002-04-24 13:10)

The smiles hid it and laughter shattered it
You locked yourself in your room and cried why me
At school u smiled and had the best grades
Who would have thought when your grades went higher
The smiles bigger, then came that phone call
"I'm afraid of what I might do. I don't want to die"
The feelings so intense and the flash backs of abuse
You hated your life yet the smiles told otherwise
Your entire life the same feeling and you admitted hating life
You hated coming home and your emotions wanted to end it
The thought of screams made you cry "Why me? Why me?"
You're smiling more and laughing louder
Feelings appear inside and out now
"Life is better now" I hear you say
"It's a new beginning, depression won't win."
You won it for yourself and now never ending smiles
That's the friend I grew to love

Dream (2002-04-24 13:10)

When I lie upon my bed
I see things in my head
I dream of you
I dream to be
Should I believe your all for me
Will I wake up and see the bare
Shall I awake to see your there
Will this dream ever adhere
Or will I believe it's just there

Could (2002-04-24 13:09)

Could this air that blows, be my sweetened destiny?
Could the dreams that come true, be done by faith?
Could the sun I see just be a bright shiny light?
Could what I see be di erent than it appears to be?
Could fate or destiny actually happen to me?
Could my fantasies and dreams be my reality?
Could my world crumble at the snap of a finger?

Created (2002-04-24 13:09)

The bumps in the road are breaking away
Just like the bruises in my heart
The horizon is more than anyone could create,
So are we all made equal when some shine brighter
than others?
God created man but it was man who created terror
Prayers made people believe when the solution was in
themselves

Death Of A Dream (2002-04-24 13:09)

I lie in bed and dream
I dream of riding a unicorn across a eld
There's butter
ies
ying around
The angels harps are playing around me
It's a wonderful thought
Screams and shouts appear afar
The dreams to the end
The nights began
It begins to darken
The screams appear closer and closer
All of a sudden a bang goes o
Blood drips from my gown
As I fall o the unicorn
I awake covered in blood
Screaming for no reason
With the question "What as happened?"

Can I (2002-04-24 13:08)

Can I be me?
Can I be you?
Can I be seen?
Can I be true?
Can I be loved?
Can I be expelled?
From all ugly thoughts
Or temptationalism
Can I be free?
Can I be what you never seen?
Can I be able to see?
The overwhelming thoughts
Can I be true to myself?
Can I see through myself?
Could I love the way?
That you only felt
Could I be free to feel guilty?
Could I fly away only to return
Can I be set free from this sweet misery inside me?

Angel Dust (2002-04-24 13:08)

The fairy tales and lullabies
You hid down low and darkness showed
You're afraid to be all you can be
Life wasn't fair but you took that dare
The bumpy roads you travelled
Afraid of the past made you want out fast
You met your angel and found that dust
Sprinkles all around lying on the ground
You moved up that path and came around
The smiles glaring with people staring
Happiness appealed yet hate had healed

And I Wish (2002-04-24 13:07)

Why do they misjudge?
How is it your not what they say
You may believe but I just can't
Faith is all you need inside
And I wish I could just give it to you
Hope is something to keep with you
Through thick and thin it will ful ll
Anything's possible because I know you
Not a person in the world has the right to hate you
And I wish that for once I could make you. . .
go outside and just smile at society
Because I know it needs you
Who else is there to make everyone laugh?
Who else can turn sadness into happiness that fast?
Who else can make them friendly besides you?
I wish I could hand over all happiness in the world to you
But all the happiness in the world couldn't ful ll you
I know that you're sweet and that you're kind inside
So give up on petty words and just go hit homerun

Abuse (2002-04-24 13:06)

Screams from afar and cries aloud
Purple, blue, and black are the colors of my skin
I am a big bruise that's empty inside and hard out there
Emotions are strung and thrown across my room
I cry so hard that I can no longer breath
Eternity is wished away and told to end
Belts, and sticks and hands are fear
I scream so loud that I just can't see
The tears cloud up my eyes
And I'm no longer free

When I Saw You (2002-04-24 13:04)

When I rst saw you
I started to cry
Just because it hurt so much inside
I fell in love with you before
Oh god don't let it have again
When I saw you walk past me
I began to think of old times
The way that you whispered
The way you care
Chorus:
I want you back
You can't say you feel di erent
I seen the look in your eyes
The way you said, \I'll always care" before you left
I know it's all still so real
Why can't I have you?
Why don't you care?
I want you so bad
And you're just right there
I started to think of the ways you laughed
Everything I said seemed to matter to you
Then came that day you said I need space
I remember that look on your face like it was yesterday
I started to cry right then
And wondered why you didn't seem to care
The rst love of my life took my heart and ran
I spoke to you but it was like dead air
You never said a word just as I wasn't there
How can you not feel the same as I do?
I guess it wasn't meant for you and me
Repeat Chorus:
You called that night
I laughed and screamed \It's over"

Wait (2002-04-24 13:03)

Chorus:
I wish I could but I cant
I wish I could but i'm not there
Yeah&
I don't want to do everything like
Fall in love with you oh no, no
Baby no&
I want to know you
I want to tease you
Show you all I have to give
Maybe then I'll love you
Don't say you love me though
I want you to give me time
Let me do what I want rst
I'll secretly show you what I want
But you have to understand how I feel
Repeat chorus:
Maybe later
Maybe now
Sometime baby
I'm not sure how
I'll show what I want
But not now baby
(not now)

Two Months (2002-04-24 13:01)

You tell me to hold my love for 2 months
Then I am told all lies
What is happening inside I wish I knew how to feel
All your friends are up your business
I wish I knew why but I don't
Chorus:
I wish I could talk to you
I wish I could hold you
I wish I just knew how you felt
Cause it's killing me not knowing how to feel towards you
Baby I wish I only knew what I could say to make u feel the same
I realize I cant
Now you're gone and it hurts more
I thought we we're all in love
Then they tore that away
I wont tell all cause I don't know truce
Baby I just want you
I don't need them, only you
Tell me are you true
Will I see your glaring eyes or feel the hate inside
I don't want the pain you being if i'm left behind
I dear the pain and life after you
I don't know what to do or where to go
I want you but I am on hold
Repeat chorus:
After 2 months go by
No word from you
You left all tied open
And left me behind
I wish u felt the same no
Matter bout the lies
They tore us apart
Cause they hate
To be honest you were the only one I ever loved
My heart aches without you and until
That day I see you again I will hurt inside
My insides have been ripped out and beaten w/o you
And you are no longer here to comfort me
I send messages daily and u don't receive
I wish I knew how u felt
Life's not right w/o you
It hurts not talking to you and life will never again
Be the same as before
Repeat chorus: x2

Reality (2002-04-24 13:00)

When I see you baby
You always tell me what to do
My heart and soul might keep getting
Stronger
But you being like this is gonna make me
No longer love you
Chorus:
Leave me alone baby
I don't want your opinions
Let me be who I am and
(Who I want to be)x2
I'll do what I want, baby
You can no longer tell me
What to do
Cause I ain't listening to you
Anymore
I can do better in my life
If I change my dreams to my reality
Repeat Chorus:
My dreams are going to be my reality now
So leave me alone
Let me be who I am
Who I want to be
Repeat chorus: x2
Who I want to be yeah yeah