Grenade

I never noticed the way
Everyone tiptoed around me
I was a grenade in hiding
With no clip included

Locked myself away
For hours and hours
Days and days
Glaring at the same four walls

Sunlight was the enemy
And laughter added strife
I liked the cold, dark complexity
That was similar to my life

When everyone disappeared
I was too busy just lying here
Lost inside my own brain
Drowning in a flood of thoughts

I’ve been every kind of person
Afraid of knives, blood and pain
Tried to starve myself a few times
Just refuse the food until you drain

My anger ricocheted off the walls
Echoing through the house
Filling up the halls
It was just a typical day for me

I rarely stepped outside you see
Never wanting the sunlight
To have the chance at finding me

I can still feel your hands
Gripping tightly around my throat
Trying to choke the life out of me
Long after it had already broke

There are a few nights from long ago
That I know I’ll never remember
Exactly what occurred that day
That made me have to go

These thoughts make my blood boil
My hands tense up in fear and anger
Nervous vibrations shoot through me
The lasting words on my tongue curl in angst

This beast that lives inside me
Has damaged all that’s left behind
Yet I still can’t remember
What I said those days

The day when you decided
I just wasn’t good enough
And though I knew I never was
I tried to be everyone to you

I lost myself somewhere along the way
In a cold, dark path filled with shame
Hidden in a blanketed past
I tried so hard to be your last

Today I refuse to let the tears reign
Since I know that deep down
I’ll never be the same

I was a monster lost inside myself
Inside my head, somewhere in constant pain
The claustrophobic place constantly filled with rain
And yet at first you stayed by me

No matter how much pushing
How harsh the words may have been
When the grenade went off
You stood there, right by me

When it’s time to open the curtains
To clear away the rain inside me
Release the beast that’s devoured my soul
You’re nowhere to be found this time

All because I didn’t choose my words carefully
I didn’t bite my tongue like needed
When it came time for the grenade release again
You were standing right beside it

I pushed and pushed for so long
Trying to make you go away from me
To show you that you deserved more
Than anything you could find with me

The closer you got to leaving
My body began to break down
Until the day I finally saw it myself
An empty space where you once stood

It came so late
Too late to salvage anything
Too late to mend what I had broken
I let the grenade go right at you

Sacrificing everything we had
To let this beast feed on satisfaction
Of knowing it had locked me up
From everything I had loved